My prayer life hasn’t been as strong as it should be as of late. There’s absolutely no excuse for it. The truth is I really enjoy the time I set aside to talk with God. But, if I’m being honest I think the main reason I haven’t gone to the Lord like I should, is because I’ve been trying to fix all my problems myself. There is a lot I find that I am unhappy about within myself. As an avid list maker, I keep a running note on the attributes in my life that I need to work on. The list never seems to get any shorter, and before you know it, the stress of this overwhelming list starts to swallow me whole. Part of the issue is that I truly believe in personal responsibility. I believe we have the power to choose joy and to work hard toward reaching our goals. I don’t like the idea of expecting anyone else to take on my problems or give of themselves to make my life easier. The idea that I might be inconveniencing someone horrifies me. I would be completely embarrassed if I thought in any way, shape, or form; my lack of ability was “putting someone out.” Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable.
So, laying my burdens on Christ is honestly the last thing I would think to do, which is completely odd, since he clearly asks that of us. Ironically enough, when I refuse to relenquish my worries, what I’m really doing is missing out on the joy of the moment. It’s a total lose/lose situation. I feel like I NEED to make things happen. I NEED to make my next life decision. I NEED to know exactly where I will be one week, one month, one year from now. And even more than that, I NEED to make the RIGHT choice. I’ve been wrong before. It hurt. I don’t want to be wrong again. If I’m good enough, if I work hard enough, if I do all the RIGHT things; then I can save myself from future hurt.
Don’t you just know that God is up there going, “Katherine, look around you. Look at the blessings I’m giving you.” I love my job. I love it so much it’s almost not fair. Currently, I work with some of the most amazing people whom I respect oh so very much. What a blessing! How sad would it be if I worried so much about what I wasn’t, that I missed out on the amazing things that I am right now. The reality is that when I look in the mirror I still see a failure in many ways. My list of failures is way too long to include in one blog post, but I also have certain aspects of my life to be proud of. The top of that list, with a star next to it, is my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Why then, if I feel that my relationship with Christ is solid, do I continually give into fear?
I continually say “Lord, I am yours. I will follow your lead.” But do I really mean it? Where is the line between preparing for rain and trusting that the rain will come? This is obviously a skill that I have not yet mastered. God certainly knows the desires of my heart. He knows my burdens. He carries my worries. He is there when I am frightened and sad and insecure. He is holding me in my uncertainly. He is laying a path before me. I know in my heart that this is true, but my head still screams that I must blaze a trail on my own. It’s a constant, exhausting struggle. The need to be RIGHT. The need to have it all mapped out. The need to be in control. The desire to make that list I have of all my wrongs get shorter.
I know most of this stems from the fact that I thought I did have it all figured out. I assumed I had made perfect choices. I could see the path of my future and all the pieces were falling into place as expected. I had made all the RIGHT moves. How do you begin to trust yourself again when what you knew in your gut was right, turns out to be wrong? When you became an inconvenience to the one person who wasn’t supposed to dessert you? When, instead of a joy, you turned into an unwanted obligation?
Yes, I know where my fear come from. But I also know where my joy comes from. My joy is found in Jesus Christ. He is the RIGHT choice. Always. And as soon as I can learn to lay my burdens on him, I might see my list grow a little smaller.
Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”