Pain is odd and unfair. After the initial pain and shock of the revelation that my marriage was in jeopardy, I was told that the pain would decrease little by little every day. This is not true. Here I am, almost two years since the day that changed my life and I still feel pain, in different increments, on different days. I have attributed this to several factors, one of them being that I am an incredibly emotional person who just feels things at a more heightened state than most, and another being that it has just taken me longer to work through all the stages of loss.
Another interesting fact about pain is that it can be brought on at a moment’s notice by ANYTHING or ANYONE. A person that had absolutely nothing to do with my divorce or an experience extremely far removed from my marriage can bring me to tears. I find that there are times when I have to stop and have a mini-therapy session with myself. “Why are you REALLY hurting?” I ask myself. “Is this emotion valid? Did this person mean to hurt you or are you still carrying some emotional baggage from the last time you were hurt?” and the ever popular “Are you going crazy?”
Now, the rational side of me knows that my loved ones would never intentionally hurt me. And let me tell you, as you will learn if you continue to read my blog, I have the BEST friends in the world. Truly. If there were an award for the most amazing friends, I would win that award. It’s honestly not fair how good they are to me. And yet, feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and self-loathing still hit me. I still find myself thinking that I will never be good enough or worthy of love or that I will never find a person who will choose ME. Time with ME. Love from ME.
These are my fears and these are the thoughts my soul screams out on a daily basis. Dramatic? Perhaps. But honest. Dealing with this pain is a process. Healing from this pain is a process. And continuing to trust in God’s plan for my life is a process.
I don’t have the answers, and to pretend that after two years of dealing with this pain that I magically somehow knew how to pray the pain away would be a lie. I stumble, fall down, and get up again constantly. I lose sight of God’s promises for me. I let the fear overtake me. I let the hurt cloud the love of a God who is continually showering me with blessings I do not deserve. God never promised me easy, but he promised he’d be there every step of the way…even through the pain.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”