Day 210

I think it might be time to talk about scars. I know I keep deviating from the actual story, but I warned you ahead of time that this would happen, so there. We all have scars. No one goes through this life without a loss or pain or hurt. When we get up and keep moving and take those next steps our emotional wounds begin to heal, but we are still left scarred. The bruises will eventually fade, the initial ache will subside, but you will always be left with those scars. They are now a part of you. They will be a part of the way you experience your future. The decisions you will make. The thinks you will think.

I think it’s ok to own those scars. You earned them. But we have to change the way we look at them. I used to be so ashamed… if I’m being honest, I’m still ashamed about some of them. I thought about how broken I was. How fearful I’d become. I gave into my scars. I became the poster child for Abandonment “Issues” and Trust “Issues” and Sex “Issues.” I’d lick my wounds and let the darkness seep over me as I once again agonized over all the things that were wrong with me.

But here’s the deal, my scars are beautiful. They are still there and they may always be, but I’ve identified them. Yes, they affect me when they shouldn’t. Yes, I often think twice before making certain life decisions. And Yes, I am still single and haven’t dated since my divorce. Scarred? Yes. Broken? No.

I’ve spoken to so many women who talk about how scarred they have become from divorce. We meekly share our stories trying to hurry over the part where we explain that we were HURT. Yes, it’s ok, you were affected by this! That does not make you weak. It makes you human. But you are still here, scars and all, making it happen..and I think that’s beautiful and perfect and amazing and inspiring.

I’ve had a lot of people I love who have been on the rough side of how my scars have affected me, and you know what? They still love me. Never once has someone who matters run away from me screaming because of my fear of abandonment. That’s the big one for me. Full disclosure. That every person I love will eventually find someone better or more talented or prettier or easier to love. So I try, exhaustively, to be perfect so that my friends and family will continue to love me. Ridiculous, right? The big question is, “How can I expect someone to deal with my insecurities until I learn to love myself.” And I think the answer always comes back to God’s love for us.

Lord knows I’m not deserving of God’s eternal love, but it’s still there. And the reality is that God doesn’t want me to feel this way or live a fearful life. He wants me to wear my scars with pride. War wounds that have made me stronger, that prove I am a survivor. Only God can take the negative and ugly in my life and turn it into beauty…I just have to let him.

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

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