“But if not, He is still Good.” My mother and sister found these words and shared them with me about two weeks ago. They are words I seriously believe. God is good, ALL the time. But in the past couple of weeks I’ve really tried to wrap my head around their true meaning and how it applies to my life. “But if not….” you see, “not” is a possibility. I think about the “not” a lot. What is my “not?” Marriage, children, a family, a home…all things I thought I would have that are now a possible “not.” I mean, they were never really a guarantee to begin with, but after the whole marriage thing I just assumed everything else would eventually fall into place. And then I thought “So, ok, that’s your worst case scenario. You don’t get those things.” And I’ve been thinking about trying to own that truth, and it’s hard…and then I realized it wasn’t my worst case scenario anymore.

I’m an actress (it feels weird to type that, but it’s how I pay my bills, so I guess it’s true). I travel from theatre to theatre doing plays or musicals or both. I work in different states, different parts of the country, and I have met some beautiful human beings. Friends. People who fill my soul with joy and push me to be a better person and validate me and, I think, love me like I am their family. They even read my blog! We don’t always get the opportunity to spend a lot of time together and often when we say goodbye we don’t know when we will be saying hello again.

I recently had to say goodbye to some very special people, and to be quite honest, it devastated me. I hate the leaving. Obviously, I have issues with leaving and abandonment and all that, but saying goodbye never gets easier for me. And you know why? Because I love them. I used to think I was broken and that the ability to love and open my heart wasn’t inside me anymore, and although this is a different kind of love, the “good” is that it’s love. The “good” is that God has sent me people to re-teach me how to love. The “good” is that I am aware of my capability to love. The “good” is that the hurting, in an odd way, makes me feel whole.

So now my new worst case scenario isn’t the loss of marriage or children or a house or being on the PTA:) My new worst case scenario would be to shut out that feeling of life that love gives me. To go back to the darkness where nothing mattered. I used to wish that I had never existed. I just didn’t want to be. The love that others have shown me has brought me back to life. To live without that would be the greatest tragedy.

So, “But if not (insert your personal “not”), He is still good (and he is, even though it may not be in the way you expected “good” to look). And yes, I am still hoping and praying for marriage and children and even the PTA, but until then I will fall to my knees and praise the God that gave me “good.”

James 1:17 ” Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”