There’s a lot I could write about during my two weeks home. Several things stick out in my mind. The first is how optimistic I was. I truly believed that this was just going to be a horrible season in my life, but that, eventually, my husband and I would reconcile and all would be right with the world. I believed this would be my testimony. How I stood by my man through thick and thin. How through God’s grace and hard work, our marriage was healed. A reminder to never give up on your commitments, to always rely on God, to believe in the power of prayer. This was my attitude on the outside. These were the mantras I was spouting. I had them memorized, and I believed them.
But, on the inside, I was battling some severe depression. The amount of energy it required to do ANYTHING was more than I could handle. I took this time to call a few friends and let them know why I’d fallen off the grid. Everyone was surprised. No one could believe this was actually happening. Truth be told, no one saw this coming, which gave me some relief. At least I wasn’t some complete moron who married a man everyone knew would cheat on her. I slept a lot. I was always tired. My parents made me eat. I would go for long walks. I prayed constantly. I cried. And my husband went on vacation to California.
Now I’m going to get on my soap box, because over the past two years I have heard so many stories about husbands who have treated their wives like crap. Ladies, if your husband cheats on you and treats you like you are less than and devalues you on ANY kind of level (physical, emotional, mental) and then feels it is perfectly acceptable to travel across the country with his “bros” and have a ball…that is completely and totally wrong. I was in such a state of depression and denial that I made excuses for him and continued to call him and check up on his trip, while he was doing God only knows what. You are worth more! I was worth more! Even if you are fighting for your marriage, you have the right to say “No. Stop disrespecting me. I’m your wife.” God wants more for you! Trust me on this one.
When I look back on that first week home, I see myself as a weak and defeated woman. And I was. I was losing weight, had no energy, and more importantly I felt worthless. I was grasping at straws, hoping that my husband would have some kind of revelation during my time away and I would magically return to a changed man. And if there is anything I could tell that defeated and sad woman, it would be this: You are worthy because you are a child of God. His love will sustain you. You are here for a purpose. You are not a mistake. Don’t you dare let this man make you feel like a mistake.
Even today, when I am sad and lonely and depressed (because sometimes I am depressed and that’s ok), I have to remind myself that I am not a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. I am his and that is more than enough.
Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”