Day 405

 

God’s provision can sometimes be a tricky subject matter. I have found that most of the time it boils down to what folks think their provision should be vs. taking a step back and accepting God’s gifts in whatever form they come. We all want the blessings, but we’d like them how and when we personally want them, please and thank you. We plan the outline of our lives and expect God to get onboard and make it happen. We remember to thank him when it’s convenient, instead of exploding with gratitude for every moment he gives us on this precious earth. I have been beyond guilty of this attitude, and in the uncertainty of my life have found that one of God’s greatest gifts to me has been the way he has taught me to love him and know him in a brand new way. Has it been worth the pain to learn these lessons? I can now say with certainty, yes. Growing in my relationship with the Lord is worth going through a divorce one hundred times over.

One of my constant fears is employment. I rationalize this as a reasonable fear, because a girl has to pay her bills, right? It’s just me now. I am the sole provider for my household and I take being responsible for myself very seriously. I am an actress, who drives her trusty Honda from stage job to stage job…I consider finding my next contract a very important part of what I do. It takes up time, and I think and stress about it way more than I should. But, this is the field I have chosen, it brings my soul more joy than I could ever imagine, and I accept that uncertainty is often part of this life I am blessed to lead. No regrets.

I have been struggling lately with trusting in God’s provision. I have been on stage, consistently, for the past year and a half and all of a sudden I found myself without an upcoming contract. Nothing seemed to be panning out and time was ticking! Every day I would submit myself for jobs, and I was coming to the point where I really needed to decide how I was going to pay my bills when my current contract ended. Keeping the faith was becoming a struggle. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to start looking for work outside my chosen profession. And, I know this sounds selfish, but I truly feel in my heart of hearts that I am supposed to be an actress. I feel it in my gut and it makes me happy and the thought of not doing it makes me ill. So, this is what I have been faced with, and this is what I have been working on coming to terms with, and sometimes that’s life.

And y’all, God came through. In so many ways. I consider it a small miracle. First off, he surrounded me with an entire company of humans who supported me. There are too many names and thank yous to even begin to mention them all. I call them people blessings. When God provides the right people at the right time in your life who help remind you to believe in yourself. My life has become this beautiful patchwork quilt of souls that God has given me. It continues to grow and each patch is an intricate piece of art that defines a special person who has added so much to my life. Talk about blessings upon blessings.

The second part of my mini miracle is this: last week, on a day like any other, after my morning workout, I came back to my room and checked my phone…and there it was. A job offer. I had submitted last summer for a job that I didn’t get, but this company remembered me, needed an actress for a show, and had contacted ME! The timeline for rehearsals and show schedule was beyond perfect, the role excited me, I was overwhelmed. I immediately fell to my knees (while still wearing my sweaty workout clothes) and began sobbing uncontrollably. I held my face in my hands and through sobs began praising God. My God. The God who always provides. The God who gave me the passions I have. The God who knows the desires of heart. The God who has a path for my life. The God who loves me, even when my faith falters. The God who gently teaches me how to grow in my knowledge of him. The God who gives more than I could ever repay.

So, yes, this relationship with my Heavenly Father is worth any pain that I have endured. These lessons are worth the discomforts that come with an imperfect world. The joy that fills my heart, which is given from above, is worth the uncertainty of this earthy life. This reminder has been humbling. My hope is that I am reminded to constantly fall to my knees to praise the God whose provisions are always perfect. Every day. To learn to patiently follow the path he has made for me. And to constantly create gratitude for each patch of quilt he adds to my life.

Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”

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