When a relationship ends, women everywhere can’t stop talking about the fact that they want closure. They need closure. They would feel so much better if only he had given them closure. It’s an anthem sung over and over again until eventually time takes over, the hurt ebbs, and closure becomes a thought of the past. A topic of conversation on those drunken nights with girlfriends. The one last tie they have to a man who decided life would be better or easier or happier without them. I’ve seen this desire for closure turn a joyful heart into a bitter heart. I’ve seen it steal moments in life that should be happy. I’ve seen it turn beautiful memories into nightmares. The lust for closure is a disease that has ruined days, weeks, even months of many sane and intelligent women.

I’m about to get real honest, ladies (and gentlemen). You don’t need closure. You don’t even want closure. Do you think that if your ex sat you down and told you calmly every reason why he thought your relationship with him was a mistake you would actually feel better? You wouldn’t. The reality is that you wanted the relationship to continue and he didn’t and you are hoping that a rational explanation would in some way make your feelings change on the matter. Your feelings won’t change. You were in love. That doesn’t change overnight. It takes time. You aren’t searching for closure. You want to change his mind. You won’t change his mind. Move on. Realize that what you truly need, what you should want for yourself isn’t closure…it’s peace.

In any break-up or divorce or separation, there is a power exchange. The one who loves, oddly enough, has no power; while the one who wants to leave suddenly owns all the power. Love will make you stay. It will make you put up with actions from your partner you never thought in a million years you would stand for. Allowing yourself to love means you can get hurt. So, basically, all of a sudden you find yourself still desperately in love with someone who doesn’t love you back and has stolen your power. And now you’re mad and hurt and you want closure. This is the way it has gone for generations. Now, sit down and think about it…what happens if you get closure? Will you also get love? Power? Healing? No. Just an explanation that justifies what you don’t want to hear.

About a month ago, my beautiful Aunt asked me if I was ok with the fact that I never got any closure for my divorce. I surprised even myself with my answer. The lack of closure doesn’t own me. It’s not something I ever thought about for any length of time. I don’t know what drove my ex-husband to fall out of love with me, disrespect me, or cheat on me. But it truly doesn’t matter. The victory of healing doesn’t come with the knowledge of understanding his faults, it comes with finding a peace within myself. I may not have closure, but I have peace. Closure is something you have to be given from someone else. Peace is personally attainable. Peace can lead to healing. Peace will move you forward. 

If you stubbornly choose to only search for closure, you aren’t punishing anyone but yourself. He’s gone. You’re still here. Every day when you wake up, you have to live with yourself…so you might as well start learning how to love yourself. Wrapping yourself in the certain peace that you are awesome, a beautiful child of God; and giving gratitude for the life you’ve been given will bring you more happiness that a hundred conversations with someone who never realized what a gem you were in the first place. Go find your peace…take back your power.

Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hears, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”