Day 185

Let’s get real. Let’s get honest. The biggest tragedy I have ever gone through is my divorce, but since starting this blog I’ve heard about other tragedies that friends and loved ones have gone through and there is one thing we all seem to have in common.  Everyone tells us “It’s going to be ok.” Well, that’s a lovely thing to say…but what if it’s not ok?  What if “ok” never comes?  What if your personal version of “ok” isn’t what God has planned for you?

The truth is that I wanted to be a wife and a mother more than anything in the world.  The reality is that I may never get to be either of those things. I have been told countless times that I will find love again and that I will make a wonderful mother someday, but the kicker is that those are not roles promised to any of us.  Getting to a point in the healing process where you realize that you no longer have what you wanted and being able to grasp the fact that those things may never be yours is a horrible discovery.  Devastating, really…but this is what life has thrown me.

Being honest with myself about these realities is super hard. I get angry that I worked so hard on a marriage that someone else so easily threw away. I mourn the loss of the children I thought I would have with this person. It’s an interesting thing to mourn the loss of something you never had, but the dream was very real to me, and the loss is also just as real.

And even though it is difficult to wake up every morning knowing that I may never be a wife again, or a mother, the blessing and the TRUTH is that God does indeed have a plan for my life.  I don’t know what it is yet, but I am trying to seek his will. And because of God’s word I know that his plan for my life is better than anything I could dream up on my own. This is the truth. This is what I am holding on to. This is the beginning of a glorious unfolding.

Deuteronomy 7:9 “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”

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