I’ve always felt that the best compliment someone can give me on my blog is to say they appreciate my honesty. Being brutally honest about my hopes, fears, desires, and coming to terms with this chapter of my life is terrifying. One of my readers told me they appreciated watching me “surrender to God.” Those words painted a beautiful picture in my mind. The main reason I started this blog was, quite simply, because God told me to write. Surrendering to God’s will is pretty much the only thing that has brought me joy in the past two years. I don’t always know exactly what God wants from me, but every now and then he speaks to me so clearly and I know that obeying him is the only way to find peace.
This is all fine and dandy and I could sit here all day and pat myself on the back for obeying God…but what about those times when I don’t hear him so clearly? Is it that he isn’t speaking? Is he waiting for me to pull myself together? Am I not listening? I’m a girl that follows directions well and I am constantly seeking God’s road map for my life. I want to follow him, as efficiently as possible from point A to point B and so on. I’d like a list of goals he wants me to achieve and I think that if God could just write me out a detailed description of how he wants me to live my life, then I could conquer the world and be Woman of the Year.
I am currently in an ambiguous place in my life. Nothing is certain or steady. Work, finances, living situation, even friendships aren’t nearly as cemented as I would like. Is this truly a location on my personal road map? How long am I supposed to be here? When do I get to move on? Why can’t I hear God now? What if I make the wrong choice? These are basically the questions I ask myself every morning when I wake up. I feel like I am falling behind, not getting to the next destination quick enough, taking a huge detour…not even Siri could get me back on track at this point.
Why, when I so desperately want to follow God’s will, do I feel like he isn’t speaking to me anymore? I struggle with this about a hundred times a day. It’s exhausting. But maybe, just maybe…and I am totally going out on a limb here…maybe I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. Maybe God is trying to teach me to “bloom where I’m planted.” Maybe this destination on my road map is the perfect stop for me right now. Maybe I’ll never know why I had to stay in this uncertainly for so long…and maybe that’s ok. Maybe God is speaking, but I’m too busy struggling with myself to hear.
It’s not that I won’t let God take over the controls of my life. I trust him to take me anywhere, but surrendering to the fact that he might possibly WANT me to hang tight in this ambiguity is baffling to me. Surrendering to the reality that I don’t always understand God’s will is difficult. Surrendering myself so that I can hear better is a skill I am still working on. Then again, surrendering my fears just might help me to better enjoy the ride.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”