My time at home was like a pause button on my life. I wasn’t making any earth shattering decisions. I knew I wanted to stay married, and no one could talk me out of that. I kept reanalyzing my situation. How did we get to this point? What had made my husband do this to us? Was I to blame? How long would it hurt this bad? I didn’t want to tell a lot of people. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. I had only been married a little over a year and already we were having SERIOUS problems. I wanted to get through this rough patch in our lives without letting people know how broken we were. How broken I was.

But God had different plans. One day while I was home I received a facebook message (of all things) from a wonderful friend. A man I adored, admired, loved. A man who has been like the older brother I never had. Galloway. It was a simple message, just asking how I was doing…and when I went to respond I poured out the whole story. I don’t know why I didn’t just answer with a quick generic report on life, but something at that moment compelled me to be brutally honest. And do you know what he did? He drove to me. From North Carolina to Tennessee. He. Drove. To. Me. Talk about feeling humbled and loved and safe and validated.

At our wedding, my husband and I asked everyone to stand up and pledge to support us in our marriage. When I asked Galloway why he had driven to me, he said it was because of that pledge. He had made a commitment to us to be a part of our union and he didn’t take that commitment lightly. What a blessing. Look what God can do! If you haven’t been in that position, then maybe you can’t understand what it feels like to be in the darkest place of your life. Unloved. Ashamed. Disgusted. Hoping to be invisible, and then God sends you a ray of light and you are reminded, even for a small amount of time, that someone out there loves you. You matter. And maybe that ray of light is what gives you the energy to keep going. To fight just a little bit longer. To hope just a little bit harder.

During my time with Galloway he let me talk about whatever I needed to talk about. He listened. We ate cheese. And sometimes I laughed. Sometimes I cried. And even though things were bad…and they were going to get a lot worse, for that moment in time, things were good. I was happy. And you know what? He didn’t make me feel ashamed. He never made me feel like any of it was my fault. It was the first time that I hadn’t been embarrassed of myself since I found out. Seeing someone else love me helped me to love myself a little bit. There is power in loving yourself. There is beauty in loving yourself. It’s OK to love yourself. God certainly love you!

Looking back, God, once again, gave me just what I needed at the time I needed it. I needed to remember that I was still worth loving. I hadn’t disappeared. I wasn’t invisible. I was a person who was loved by a very dear friend and I mattered. I needed the reminder that I was strong and brave. The reminder that someone out there believed in me. I didn’t know it then, but I was about to go back into battle…and these reminders saved me on so many levels. God knew. And I will forever be grateful for the gift he gave me, the gift of time with a friend. The gift of unexpected love.

Luke 6:38 “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

I have something to tell you and you aren’t going to like it and you may not even agree with me. Love is not enough. You will hear it from movies and books and social media and silly girls who don’t really know what they are talking about…they will say, “But we love each other. As long as you have love, that’s enough.” Love is super. It feels great to be loved. It feels great to show love. But it certainly isn’t enough, on its own, to sustain any kind of relationship. And I’ll tell you something else, all earthly love is conditional. All of it. The only true all-encompassing unconditional love comes from our Heavenly Father.

I get that I am obviously not the love guru. There are all types of love and so many different ways to show love. We each have specific gifts that help us give love to others and we each respond to love in our own way. I have a beautiful friend who, over the past year, has helped me understand better how I give and receive love. Understanding those attributes in myself has helped me heal while still being able to open myself up to love…love in all forms.

We all would like to think that love, in some way, is like what we hear about in fairy tales. That once you find the one whom your heart desires most in the world, nothing can tear you apart. It’s a beautiful thought, but it’s a lie. Love alone can never be enough. Relationships only work when love is combined with so many other actions. Love without respect, compromise, honor, understanding, HARD WORK, sacrifice, commitment, etc. is not sustainable. This goes for the love that drives a marriage just as much as for the love that drives a friendship or a sisterhood.

The second part of this message is that all the love you feel is conditional. This wasn’t something I had thought a lot about until recently, but it’s true. And that’s what makes God’s love so special. Y’all, I know my mother loves my sisters and me like nothing else in this world, but it’s still conditional. It’s human. It’s of this world. God’s love is different. NOTHING can separate us from his love. Nothing we have done, nothing we have felt, nothing we have said. It is given freely and his supply of love will never run out. I thought my love for my husband was unconditional, and I certainly showed him a wonderful love, but now I feel every day that love slipping further and further away from me. I thought his love for me was unconditional, but that love left long ago. Without explanation. Without regret. Without consequence.

“All You Need Is Love” is only a good song. Not a mantra to live by. It’s time we all change how we see love. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. And, oddly enough, I learned this not through my husband or my marriage. I learned this in the way others have shown me love in the past two years. It was taught to me through my parents opening up their home to me, my best friend making me coffee in the morning, my sisters listening to me vent, my colleagues going over that tap number “one more time” so that I could get it right, and the telephone calls that reminded me to keep moving.

These actions and so many more are the reasons our conditional love is still beautiful, and this beauty is given by the unconditional love of our Father.

1 John 4:8 “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

There’s a lot I could write about during my two weeks home. Several things stick out in my mind. The first is how optimistic I was. I truly believed that this was just going to be a horrible season in my life, but that, eventually, my husband and I would reconcile and all would be right with the world. I believed this would be my testimony. How I stood by my man through thick and thin. How through God’s grace and hard work, our marriage was healed. A reminder to never give up on your commitments, to always rely on God, to believe in the power of prayer. This was my attitude on the outside. These were the mantras I was spouting. I had them memorized, and I believed them.

But, on the inside, I was battling some severe depression. The amount of energy it required to do ANYTHING was more than I could handle. I took this time to call a few friends and let them know why I’d fallen off the grid. Everyone was surprised. No one could believe this was actually happening. Truth be told, no one saw this coming, which gave me some relief. At least I wasn’t some complete moron who married a man everyone knew would cheat on her. I slept a lot. I was always tired. My parents made me eat. I would go for long walks. I prayed constantly. I cried. And my husband went on vacation to California.

Now I’m going to get on my soap box, because over the past two years I have heard so many stories about husbands who have treated their wives like crap. Ladies, if your husband cheats on you and treats you like you are less than and devalues you on ANY kind of level (physical, emotional, mental) and then feels it is perfectly acceptable to travel across the country with his “bros” and have a ball…that is completely and totally wrong. I was in such a state of depression and denial that I made excuses for him and continued to call him and check up on his trip, while he was doing God only knows what. You are worth more! I was worth more! Even if you are fighting for your marriage, you have the right to say “No. Stop disrespecting me. I’m your wife.” God wants more for you! Trust me on this one.

When I look back on that first week home, I see myself as a weak and defeated woman. And I was. I was losing weight, had no energy, and more importantly I felt worthless. I was grasping at straws, hoping that my husband would have some kind of revelation during my time away and I would magically return to a changed man. And if there is anything I could tell that defeated and sad woman, it would be this: You are worthy because you are a child of God. His love will sustain you. You are here for a purpose. You are not a mistake. Don’t you dare let this man make you feel like a mistake.

Even today, when I am sad and lonely and depressed (because sometimes I am depressed and that’s ok), I have to remind myself that I am not a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. I am his and that is more than enough.

Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

I often wonder if anyone ends up where they thought they would end up in life. Is there anyone who is in the exact place they thought they would be, doing the exact job they thought they would do, with the exact people they thought they would be surrounded by? I’m obviously not where I thought I would be, and I think there is some kind of stigma attached to saying that out loud. Like if you admit this isn’t what you dreamed about for your life, you’ve failed in some epic way. So, everyone goes on pretending they are perfectly happy with the way things have fallen into place, instead of admitting that life isn’t actually perfect at all. God forbid we all be honest with each other.

So, I’m laying my cards out on the table. This isn’t what I dreamed life would be like for me. Obviously. I worry about finances WAY more than I did when I was married. I never know when or where my next job is going to come from. I spend my “day off” sending off submissions trying to find more work. I’m far away from my friends and family. I don’t own a house. The dream of having children becomes more unrealistic every day. I’m constantly hoping my car will continue to hold out for a few more years. I try my best to make it to the gym and count calories, because I know it helps my chances of getting hired. And my ex-husband is vacationing with his new girlfriend. So, no, this isn’t where I thought I’d be at 32.

And on the other hand…I make my living doing what I love to do best in the whole wide world. I have work lined up until March of 2016. I own a car. I can afford to pay my bills and feed myself. I am a healthy girl. My family loves me and checks up on me often. My best friend just drove 7 hours to see me in a play, then turned around and had to drive back 7 hours the next day. I have a nephew that I think is the best thing God ever created. I love my job. I have a wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ. So, here I am, this is me at 32.

In the end, it’s all about perspective. And, as my Aunt Bec likes to say, it’s about having a grateful heart. We are about to enter into a season of Thanksgiving. It’s so easy, while everyone else is sharing the amazing things they are thankful for, to get lost in what others have and what we don’t have…and I certainly don’t mean material items. I mean those things our hearts desire, but aren’t within our reach. The challenge I see for myself is to constantly focus on the unexpected joys that God has brought into my life. Joys I wouldn’t have had if life had ended up the way I wanted it to end up. Joys that surprise me and overwhelm me. Joys that flood me with humility and remind me that God is in every aspect of my life.

Sometimes focusing on the blessings can be difficult. Sometimes I find myself crying out “God, what do you want me to do? Please tell me what to do!” Sometimes I feel completely lost. And then I go to work and thank God for that opportunity. I talk to my mother and thank God For that relationship. I go to the gym and thank God for my health. Because, whether this is where I thought I would be or not, the joy comes from having a grateful heart.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Weddings are interesting. Everyone has a different idea of what a wedding should be, how it should function, what is appropriate and what isn’t, etc. But that’s just the actual day, then you throw in all the events and steps leading up to a wedding and you have quite the occasion. I was engaged for a year and a half before my wedding day, so my poor friends had to deal with my wedding talk for quite a while. They may have hated me for it, but if they did they didn’t let me know. They were beyond happy for me and so excited that my husband and I were FINALLY getting married.

They booked their plane tickets to my destination wedding, made their hotel reservations, threw us an engagement party, and because my family was so far away they took turns going with me to bridal shops to try on wedding dresses. They gave of their finances, time, and their hearts. They gave their input on invitations, wedding colors, flowers. They showered me with love and support and well wishes. One of my poor friends even had to go with me to pick up my wedding dress, stuff it into a cab, and help me walk it up five flights of stairs to my apartment (Thank you, Rachel).

And this is the part of the story where I tell you that I have the BEST friends in the entire world. And it’s not because of how well they handled my wedding. It’s not because they bought bridesmaid dresses, or listened to me complain about the cost of linens, or even because they helped me stuff dozens of welcome bags to put in guest’s hotel rooms. I have the best friends in the entire world because of how they handled my divorce.

One blog post isn’t enough to describe the pure beauty of my friends. There aren’t enough words to fully explain their dignity and grace and support and grit. Not one person has made me feel like a failure. No one has expressed remorse for the energy they put into my wedding and marriage. These super-duper strong women have been there from the moment they got the telephone call or text or e-mail that my marriage was crumbling. They have let me sleep on their couches and cry on their shoulders. They have kept me busy when I needed a distraction. They have held me when I needed comfort. They have fed me when I wouldn’t eat. Once again, they have given their all for me.

I am actually weeping as I write this post because their unselfish love overwhelms me to this day. I think it’s important to share this discovery with whomever decides to read my little blog. It’s important to say that there are amazing women in this world who are supporting each other and building each other up and putting love and strength out into this universe. Women who are truly investing in their friendships. Who take their character seriously. Who refuse to leave a fellow woman stranded. Who have the guts and overall awesomeness to stop, pick her up, and carry her if need be until she can walk on her own again.

These are the women I am proud to call my friends and sisters. These are the gifts God has given me. These are the blessings that continue to rain down upon me. This is leading and loving by example. I am humbled by them, encouraged by them, and uplifted by them.

John 15:12-13 “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

Keeping it together became my new life goal. Go to work. Sleep. Eat. Pray. Just keep moving. Stay positive. Don’t imagine the worst. One day at a time. Don’t focus on the hurt. This too, shall pass. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And on it went for about two weeks. I thought I had been doing a miraculous job at pretending everything was fine and going on as if life were normal (whatever that means) until the day my boss sat me down to have a chat. We were in my little office that was only big enough to share with one other human. We sat down and he turned to me and he said, “Go home.”

He didn’t mean to go back to my apartment. He wanted me to book a flight right then and there and go to my family in Tennessee. He had already figured out that I had a week of vacation days coming to me. But instead of one week, he wanted me to take two weeks. He wanted me to be able to rest and grieve and heal around people who loved me. He could tell handling the everyday grind of work and my failing marriage was making me a wreck. He offered me an escape from life…and I took it.

My parents were thrilled to hear I was coming home. Lord only knows how worried they were about me. My husband and therapist even agreed it was a good idea. My therapist thought it would be “healthy” for me and I’m sure my husband needed a break from my constantly trying to “fix us.” I remember how good it felt to put up my “out of office” message on my work computer. Rest was so close. Safety was so close. I was going home.

My father picked me up at the Nashville airport. And I felt strange. I was his adult daughter who had to come home and be taken care of. Our relationship was different than it had been when I lived with them as a teenager. There were boundaries now. I looked at him and knew I had nothing to give. I couldn’t talk about it. There were no words to use to describe to my father what my husband had put me through. I knew he was waiting on me to make the first move, following my lead, but I had nothing. I was ashamed to even be in this situation. Embarrassed that he had to save me. Sad that I didn’t have a solution.

We drove the two hours to my hometown and pulled into our driveway, where I knew my mother was waiting for me. Of course she was. Waiting to see what state I was in. Waiting to make a plan. Waiting to see what kind of damage had been done. Hell, waiting to feed me. They let me unpack and gave me space and eventually my mother came in to check on me. I remember looking up at her and saying weakly, “I don’t want to get a divorce.” And then the tears started. I was home and I was safe and I was loved and I was exhausted and I could finally say what I truly wanted to say. I didn’t want to get a divorce.

God not only gave me a safe haven when I needed it, he facilitated my being able to reach that haven. He was with my parents as they dealt with a broken daughter. He gave them the wisdom to stop and listen to me say the thing my heart desired most. Looking back, I can’t even imagine what kind of nightmare that must have been for them, plus having to know that I wanted to go back into the fire and try again and again and again to put my marriage back together. And they had to let me. They had to let me at least try. But I could only have the courage to try because I had the knowledge that no matter what, there would always be home.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I’m not the only person who this has happened to. I know that. It seems like almost every day I hear of another marriage ending, a woman waking up to find her world completely turned upside down. Her life partner becoming a stranger. Her brain turning to mush as she tries to comprehend it all. And you know what? I’ll tell you my very first thought, every time I hear about this, “I wonder what this man’s mother thinks of her son’s actions?!” Isn’t that odd? I’m sure it’s not a fair thought to think, but fair or not that is what enters my mind.

Yes, I also realize that this problem happens to men as well. But I’m not a man so I just don’t have that perspective. I’m not in any way saying that a son’s actions reflect his mother at all, but I do know that the person I have turned out to be has been highly influenced by my parents and they would be ashamed of me if I had ever behaved in such a manner. Ashamed, disappointed, sad, maybe even angry. I can imagine the way my mother grits her teeth and uses her hands to make a point. I can see the sorrow in my father’s eyes. Not living up to their expectations of me is perhaps one of my greatest fears.

So, in thinking on this, a lot of questions and emotions have come up. Why didn’t my mother-in-law want to help me? Why couldn’t she find the strength to hold her son accountable? Why, at 32, do I still so desperately want to please my parents? And if I care that much about my earthly parents, why don’t I always put that kind of emotional investment in how much I try to please my Heavenly Father? I worry about my hurt, my pain, my future…if I turned that selfish worry into selfless praise I wonder how my life would change.

Disclaimer: My parents are truly a gift from God. They make me feel loved every day of my life. They have given me two strong and beautiful sisters. In many way, they have given me my faith and help to nurture my relationship with Jesus Christ, so any issue I may have has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me…and perhaps my ex in-laws;)

Galatians 1: 10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I’m so glad it exists and I believe that if we were all in therapy and able to fully talk about our feelings, fears, hurts, on a regular basis we would be a healthier and more non-violent world. So, naturally, with my marriage in the pits, I turned to therapy as a tool to help “fix us.” Within the first week I had decided this was something we needed to do and had started researching marriage counselors in the New York City area. A woman on a mission. But I wasn’t looking for just any old marriage counselor, I wanted a Christian marriage counselor. I wanted a Christian counselor for many reasons. Most importantly, I wanted someone who understood what I did, that marriage was a covenant you made with your spouse and God and it was not meant to be broken. So get on board, husband!

My husband agreed to go to therapy. I thought this was an excellent sign. Together we tried to find a counselor. I kept pushing for a Christian counselor and he kept trying to convince me that wasn’t necessary. Eventually, we settled on therapist. This man had gone to seminary, but also had all the requirements my husband felt were necessary to look at our marriage objectively. The big day came…the night of our first therapy session. And y’all, I hate to say it. I’m embarrassed to say it. But I have to say it. I DRESSED UP for therapy. I did. I chose an outfit that I thought my husband would find attractive. I wore more make-up than usual. I even wore heels. HEELS! How pathetic. How sad. My husband and I weren’t living together at the time and hadn’t seen each other in a few days and I guess some part of me was hoping he would see me, find me ridiculously beautiful, and that would be that. I know. Ridiculous. But this is where my head was at the time.

We show up at the therapist’s office and wait until it is our turn. In my head I’m thinking about the couple that is in there before us. I’m hoping he is able to help them. I’m hoping the wife and husband love each other and this man has helped save their marriage. I am hoping he is a miracle worker and that eventually, through time and hard work, he will help us save our marriage. My husband looks bored out of his mind. Uncomfortable. Irritated. Annoyed. He does not look hopeful. He has not said a thing about how clearly adorable I look. I don’t think he has even looked at me at all. Then that feeling starts again. That feeling that tells me this is not going to go how I had planned it at all in my head.

During that first session our therapist asks us a lot of questions about ourselves, our marriage, our goals for the future. We have to write down our answers on a piece of paper and then share them with each other. One of the questions was “Do you see yourself married to your spouse 10 years down the road?” Another question was “Do you see yourself married at all 10 years from now?” In my true to form, type A, people pleasing personality way, I answer that absolutely I see myself being married to my husband. I see myself being married to him 10 years from now, 20 years from now, etc. I mean, I’d vowed “til death do us part.” So that was that as far as I was concerned. My husband, and I have to commend him for his honesty, answers that he does see himself being married 10 years from now, just not to me.

And this truth he has just told me hurts. It knocked the wind out of me. All of a sudden I felt foolish. He didn’t want me. He could sit right next to me and look me in the face and say without any emotion at all that he just didn’t want ME. The rest of the session was a blur. I remember hobbling in my heels back to the subway when it was over. My feet hurt. I was a stupid moron who had worn heels to a therapy session where her husband flat-out told her he didn’t want her. And then I cried on the subway and I didn’t care who saw. I went home and changed into my pajamas and curled up in a ball on my rug beside my bed. I didn’t have the energy to actually get into the bed. And I held myself and I cried until I fell asleep on that rug, in that apartment, in what had been our happy home.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

“But if not, He is still Good.” My mother and sister found these words and shared them with me about two weeks ago. They are words I seriously believe. God is good, ALL the time. But in the past couple of weeks I’ve really tried to wrap my head around their true meaning and how it applies to my life. “But if not….” you see, “not” is a possibility. I think about the “not” a lot. What is my “not?” Marriage, children, a family, a home…all things I thought I would have that are now a possible “not.” I mean, they were never really a guarantee to begin with, but after the whole marriage thing I just assumed everything else would eventually fall into place. And then I thought “So, ok, that’s your worst case scenario. You don’t get those things.” And I’ve been thinking about trying to own that truth, and it’s hard…and then I realized it wasn’t my worst case scenario anymore.

I’m an actress (it feels weird to type that, but it’s how I pay my bills, so I guess it’s true). I travel from theatre to theatre doing plays or musicals or both. I work in different states, different parts of the country, and I have met some beautiful human beings. Friends. People who fill my soul with joy and push me to be a better person and validate me and, I think, love me like I am their family. They even read my blog! We don’t always get the opportunity to spend a lot of time together and often when we say goodbye we don’t know when we will be saying hello again.

I recently had to say goodbye to some very special people, and to be quite honest, it devastated me. I hate the leaving. Obviously, I have issues with leaving and abandonment and all that, but saying goodbye never gets easier for me. And you know why? Because I love them. I used to think I was broken and that the ability to love and open my heart wasn’t inside me anymore, and although this is a different kind of love, the “good” is that it’s love. The “good” is that God has sent me people to re-teach me how to love. The “good” is that I am aware of my capability to love. The “good” is that the hurting, in an odd way, makes me feel whole.

So now my new worst case scenario isn’t the loss of marriage or children or a house or being on the PTA:) My new worst case scenario would be to shut out that feeling of life that love gives me. To go back to the darkness where nothing mattered. I used to wish that I had never existed. I just didn’t want to be. The love that others have shown me has brought me back to life. To live without that would be the greatest tragedy.

So, “But if not (insert your personal “not”), He is still good (and he is, even though it may not be in the way you expected “good” to look). And yes, I am still hoping and praying for marriage and children and even the PTA, but until then I will fall to my knees and praise the God that gave me “good.”

James 1:17 ” Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

“I love you. I’m just not IN love with you.” These are words I don’t ever want to hear again. As the days slowly passed during that first week after I found out, these were the only words my husband could give me to explain his actions. “We should have never gotten married. It was a mistake. I just don’t feel anything towards you.” My brain couldn’t even compute what I was hearing. When I could finally form words I exclaimed, “But we ARE married. So the NOT being married ship has sailed. We have to fix this. We can fix this. I can fix this. Not being married is NOT an option.”

This is the part of the story where I very pathetically tried to make my husband love me again. If there was something wrong with me, then I could change. I would be less demanding. I would be a more pleasant person to be around. I would be a better cook. I would put more care into my appearance. Keep the apartment cleaner. Lose weight. Nag less. If he loved me once, he could love me again. God could open his heart to me, I just had to do my part.

I’m not sure that I even truly knew what I was striving for. I’d look at him and will there to be love in his heart, kindness in his eyes…a softening. I would have done anything for him to reach out to me. To hold me. To feel comforted by him. But instead he looked at me like I was poison. What was wrong with me? What had I lost? I didn’t understand when he’d suddenly blurt out, “I’m sorry. I’m just not IN love with you.” What the hell was that supposed to mean? What was I supposed to do with that information? Having your husband constantly tell you that he isn’t IN love with you is like having someone constantly ripping at your heart. It’s an ache that won’t stop. Because ultimately, there really wasn’t anything I could do about his feelings for me, try as I might.

My person, my teammate, my partner, my lifetime love, my everything, was rejecting me. Pushing me away. I’d like to tell you that I kept going because I realized God’s love was enough to fill the void in my heart. That my soul was satisfied with the joy of Jesus. That my strength came from the knowledge that the Holy Spirit was always with me. But that’s not how I felt. That’s not what got me out of bed in the morning. Faith kept me moving. Stupid, moronic, naive faith. Faith in the unrealistic hope that some day he would turn to me and take me in his arms and tell me in all confidence that he not only loved me, but that he was IN love with me.

We all know that never happened. I still don’t have my person. And that’s hard for me, because I did have a person for over 8 years. I’m accustomed to it. I miss it. I yearn for it…old habits die hard…and faith still keeps me moving.

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.”