Let’s get real. Let’s get honest. The biggest tragedy I have ever gone through is my divorce, but since starting this blog I’ve heard about other tragedies that friends and loved ones have gone through and there is one thing we all seem to have in common.  Everyone tells us “It’s going to be ok.” Well, that’s a lovely thing to say…but what if it’s not ok?  What if “ok” never comes?  What if your personal version of “ok” isn’t what God has planned for you?

The truth is that I wanted to be a wife and a mother more than anything in the world.  The reality is that I may never get to be either of those things. I have been told countless times that I will find love again and that I will make a wonderful mother someday, but the kicker is that those are not roles promised to any of us.  Getting to a point in the healing process where you realize that you no longer have what you wanted and being able to grasp the fact that those things may never be yours is a horrible discovery.  Devastating, really…but this is what life has thrown me.

Being honest with myself about these realities is super hard. I get angry that I worked so hard on a marriage that someone else so easily threw away. I mourn the loss of the children I thought I would have with this person. It’s an interesting thing to mourn the loss of something you never had, but the dream was very real to me, and the loss is also just as real.

And even though it is difficult to wake up every morning knowing that I may never be a wife again, or a mother, the blessing and the TRUTH is that God does indeed have a plan for my life.  I don’t know what it is yet, but I am trying to seek his will. And because of God’s word I know that his plan for my life is better than anything I could dream up on my own. This is the truth. This is what I am holding on to. This is the beginning of a glorious unfolding.

Deuteronomy 7:9 “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.”

Some days are sad days. Yesterday was a sad day.  Just because the papers are signed and a judge has decreed we are no longer husband and wife doesn’t mean that the sad days end. Honestly, I don’t know when the sad days will end. Yes, there are fewer of them now then there were a year ago or even two years ago, but there are still sad days.

I am told constantly that everyone heals in different ways and that we all have different healing timelines. This is a slightly difficult concept for me to grasp because I am a very goal oriented person. I want to know the proper steps on how to heal, achieve those steps, and put the whole darn thing behind me. I’m tired of having weeks of good days and then having a bad day knock me back 100 steps. It’s frustrating, I have no control over it, and it makes me feel bad about myself. There. I said it.

But, the truth is, it’s ok to be sad. Sadness is a real emotion. It means you loved someone. Sadness is a reflection of your capability to love. And love is good. I’m not fully at a point where I can completely own that statement, but in my head I know it to be true.  And I’m not writing this blog because I’m fully healed.  I’m writing it because I’m a person who is sometimes still sad and hurt and lost. But that’s what makes me human and that’s what gives God the opportunity to restore.

I was having this very same conversation with my youngest sister, who is quite possibly the wisest person I know, and she had these words of wisdom that I feel compelled to share with the world:  “It’s not how you fall down, it’s how you get back up.” Lord, I want to be the kind of woman who gets back up with grace and dignity.  Head held high.  Heart still open.  Falling down is inevitable.  We live in a fallen world and bad things will happen to us all…but please, no matter what my personal timeline, let me remember to not only get back up; but get back up prouder, stronger, and ready to lovingly face another day…sad or not.

Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

One thing I have learned through my divorce is that the term “marriage” means different things to different people. The truth is, I hadn’t ever given it that much thought before.  I have been blessed to grow up around amazing examples of marriage in my life, so I think I always assumed everyone thought about marriage the same way. That the rules and expectations for marriage were the same for everyone. Not so.

Let me be perfectly clear on my personal thoughts on marriage.  First and foremost, I believe marriage is a promise.  A covenant between you and your spouse…but more importantly, a covenant between you and God.  I believe marriage is a vow you not only make before God, but WITH God. I believe God created marriage and that marriage is a beautiful gift from God to his people. That being said, not everyone should be married. It’s not for everyone.  And that’s ok.

My fundamental view on marriage was one of the big reasons I struggled and continue to struggle with my divorce. In choosing to divorce my husband (yes, it was a choice) was I breaking my vow with God?  I was going back on the biggest promise I had ever made in my life.  The biggest promise I had ever made to God.  I had failed.  I had failed myself, my marriage, and my God.  Is there anything worse?

This shame only added to my depression. Divorce: The Ultimate Failure. I felt like I had lost my husband’s love, and now the love of my Savior. And this is the moment, when we are at the end of our rope, that God calls to us, reminding us that his love is EVERLASTING. ETERNAL. UNENDING. It took me the better part of a year to come to this realization, and even though these are words I have been told my entire life, to finally grasp their truth has been the greatest gift of this personal failure.

Romans 8:39 “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

To fully understand the gravity and weight of a divorce, I think it’s important to discuss what led to the marriage in the first place. And although I don’t want to linger too much on this topic, because it still causes me pain, it’s vital and true, so therefore it must be included.

We started dating when I was 23.  We got engaged when I was 27.  We got married when I was 29.  We got divorced when I was 31.  There’s the timeline. Yes, we went to church together.  Our families loved each other.  We went through pre-marital counseling with our pastor.  We discussed children, finances, careers, family, how to celebrate the holidays, etc. long before the walk to the altar.  He walked my mother down the aisle at my sister’s wedding.  I was there for his sister’s high school graduation.  We were family before we were legally husband and wife.

Before I go further with this blog, I want to make it clear we didn’t jump into marriage blindly.  We followed all the “correct” steps.  He flew to my hometown to ask my father for my hand. We waited until we were both out of debt before getting engaged. We had seen each other through deaths, failures, and the stresses that come with life.  We shared a respect and love for each other. We shared the same faith and worshipped together.  And we still got divorced.

Our divorce doesn’t mean that I failed God, although that’s still how it feels.  It doesn’t mean that following the “correct” steps won’t work for other couples.  It doesn’t mean I was a bad wife. But most importantly, it doesn’t mean God loves me any less.  And that is the good news, the lesson I am still learning.

Roman 8:37 “No, in all these things We are more than conquerors through Him who Loved Us.”

I have an ex-husband.  The word itself sounds foreign to me. This blog isn’t about him, but he certainly has a lot to do with why I am writing it and it would be dishonest to not acknowledge his existence in some way.  It also isn’t fair to the story to not fully embrace what he was to my life.  He was 8 and a half years.  He was love.  He was compromise and sacrifice.  He was joy.  He was the future I had dreamed of, and now he is gone.

I was not the kind of girl who had every detail of her wedding planned out.  I had no idea what kind of dress I would wear or what flowers I would hold, but I’ve always known the kind of wife I wanted to be for my husband. I had read Proverbs 31.  I understood with absolute certainty my role as a Godly wife and I was ready for it. Bring it on! I imagined the pride my husband would feel for me, knowing that I loved him so well. A sense of peace surrounded me, I was meant for this.  To be his wife.  To love him.  To support him.

I’m writing this to remind myself that my love for him was real.  What I had to offer was beautiful and given selflessly and came from a pure place, as all gifts from God come from.  The fact that it doesn’t exist anymore doesn’t lessen the fact that it did exist…and no woman should ever regret the total and complete unassuming love she gives to the universe.

Proverbs 31:30 “A Woman Who Fears the Lord is to be Praised.”

I wasn’t supposed to get a divorce. I was supposed to be married to the same man, the man I believed God had chosen for me, for the rest of my life.  We would deal with our share of problems, sure, but divorce was never going to be an option.  I don’t give up.  I’m not the kind of gal who accepts failure, and I certainly don’t get myself into anything I’m not 100% sure I can see through. So imagine my surprise, heart-break, disgust, when I found myself signing those divorce papers a mere two and a half years after saying “I Do.”

I decided to write this blog because my divorce rocked my world, tested my faith, and changed my life.  I think, especially for women, the word “divorce” has such a negative connotation.  It’s something I have been ashamed to talk about.  It drug my self-worth into the sewer.  It was like quicksand that I couldn’t escape.  BUT, the good news is that being a divorced 32 year old woman does not define me as a person.  It doesn’t define my soul or my heart or my future.

This blog is the story of my marriage and divorce, but more importantly, it’s the story of healing.  The story of learning how to stand up again and keep moving. The story of taking something ugly and trying to create beauty.  The story of how a gracious and loving God wouldn’t let me fall.

1 John 4:19 “We Love Because He First Loved Us.”